NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
❤️❤️❤️
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?