[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers