[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.