[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor