On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Wise advice
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
unbelievably distressed by this ad
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.