Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Inside you there are two wolves
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is