Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂