Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.