[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”