POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Taliband