police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
asking santa clause for nudes
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis