police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Put this video in the Louvre
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Ape together strong
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Sniffing the broccoli
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.