Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Cashiers are always checking me out
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*