my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Matt Goss
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve