“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.