“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You Might Also Like
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
no one likes gloating
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.