Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
You Might Also Like
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab