police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
put ‘er there pardner!
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I know this now 😂
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My plans: 2020:
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Owl Sanctuary
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Bless you
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.