Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess