Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
R.I.P.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.