My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
So that’s what we looked like?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now