police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You Might Also Like
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.