No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
You Might Also Like
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…