[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Hard not to take this personally
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.