[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Air pods looking like an angry frog
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?