{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.