{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?