[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
What the hell happened here.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.