[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Going into Monday like
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.