Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.