[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.