Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
#milo
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.