Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
lol
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
drew a comic about my origin story
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.