Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
we’re dead?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit