Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*aggressively waits in line*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
That’s no pocket rocket.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY