Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
So inspired right now.
2022 will be better than 2021
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Practicing safe sax
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*