@dadtellsjokes: A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

@yoyoha: The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

@pro_failure: My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.

@grimpossible: Walls are just sober floors.

@Book_Krazy: Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted? Me: Um no, just holding hands