@ruinedpicnic: "Well boy," I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, "naming you E.T. clearly wasn't enough."

@zachreinert03: I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

@scorpicpanda: I'm gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you. C'mere.

@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

@THEDUTHCHESS: Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.