Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”