Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The game has officially changed 😎
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me