Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.