Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’