Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
channeling her this year
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Tell the colonel to bring it
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off