Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Beauty and the Beast
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …