Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.