POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
pls suprot
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.