Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.