POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids