POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR