POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.