@AmishPornStar1: Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.

@andreeahluscu: Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

@MollySneed: [first date] I just love that you are a normal, cool girl. *subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair* -Yeah, totally.

@BarebakAssassin: Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot. [fall down stairs as I leave]