@LifeAsBros: "Police! Open up!" "No, you're gonna yell at me"
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@Nickadoo: I'm less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
@TitansHomer: Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??
@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.