Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You Might Also Like
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Everyone’s family