Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“TGIM!” – My liver
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.